The CEO's new vocabulary

A modern re-telling of The Emperor's New Clothes.

Once upon a time, there was a Chief Executive Officer who lived in a big office on the 79th floor of a tall, shiny building.

The Chief Executive Officer was a vain man. He kept a little mirror in the drawer of his desk and another in his jacket pocket. He liked appearing on television and saying impressive-sounding things about business and the economy.

One day, two consultants came to the tall shiny building and asked to see the Chief Executive Officer.

“We hear you are about to make a Very Important Speech,” they said.

“Why, yes!” replied the Chief Executive Officer, excitedly. “I am delivering the keynote speech at MegaBizCon. All the finest, most important men in business will be there, listening to me. I am, after all, a Thought Leader.”

“Indeed,” replied the consultants. “Your reputation precedes you. You are famous for saying very important things.”

“Absolutely,” replied the Chief Executive Officer.

“Your speeches are legendary.”

“They are.”

“You are the epitome of cutting-edge business thinking.”

“I am indeed.”

“So, we expect you’ll be using your speech to discuss superdupernomics.”

“Super what?” The Chief Executive Officer was unnerved. This was new to him.

“Superdupernomics. It’s the latest conceptual thinking,” explained the consultants, airily. “Very new. Very complex. It’s only for people with the sharpest business minds. In fact, only those worthy of their positions can understand it.”

The Chief Executive Officer rallied quickly. He leant back in his very large leather chair. “Of course. It probably won’t surprise you to know that I am quite familiar with super…er”

“…dupernomics.”

“Exactly. But I would be interested to hear your take on it.”

Over the next two hours, the three men talked about superdupernomics. It was all new to the Chief Executive Officer, but he disguised it well. The consultants told him that advanced neo-datafication was the key to predicting retro-binary sales patterns and that consumers were moving to a 34/7 crypto-channel purchasing cycle. What’s more, bimple co-efficients were driving wide-scale adoption of Digital Casserole Theory across all industry sectors. It was all very exciting. The Chief Executive Officer asked the consultants to work with him on his speech. Naturally, they agreed.

The next day, the Chief Executive Officer summoned the board and introduced them to the consultants. “I’m going to talk about superdupernomics in my keynote speech,” he told them. “I expect you’ve heard of it.”

Around the table, a few heads nodded. There were mutterings of “of course” and “something in The Economist” and “Didn’t I see a TED talk about it the other day?”

“It’s very complicated,” continued the Chief Executive Officer. “But I am assured by my new friends here that anyone worthy of their position will understand it. It's the new tomorrow.”

Just as the Chief Executive Officer had been the day before, the board were very excited by superdupernomics and were eager to understand it. At the end of the meeting, they all assured the Chief Executive Officer that superdupernomics was just what the business had been waiting for. The Chief Operating Officer was particularly taken by being at the interface of co-axial feeding paradigms.

And so the word spread.

Within hours, the corridors of the company were filled with the sound of happy employees expounding on the potential of hybrid portals and neuro-peripherals.

Social media picked it up with glee. #Superdupernomics began trending. Bloggers eagerly started predicting the effects of marketing crayonization. Every analyst had an independent view they were eager to share, but all were agreed that the market had reached a blipping point. Now was the time for superdupernomics to be at the top of the agenda.

Meanwhile, the Chief Executive Officer was closeted away with the consultants crafting his speech. It took him a while to master some of the more complex terms, but soon he was word perfect. He didn’t even need the autocue.

Finally, the big day came. The main hall of the exhibition centre was packed with delegates from all over the world. Business leaders from every industry settled in their seats. The lights went down. The Chief Executive Officer was introduced by the Chairman of MegaBizCon and he stepped onto the stage to rapturous applause.

“Ladies and gentlemen,’ he began, his arms spread wide. “Welcome to the age of superdupernomics, the age of lettuce theory, the age of the pelvic enterprise.” Behind him, a montage of time-lapse photography showed cities at night, surging freeways and flowers opening. The crowd lapped it up.

“Old business models have had their day,” the Chief Executive Officer proclaimed. “We must now correlate the possibilities of digital flossing with double-baked putty modelling…”

Suddenly, a voice rang out from the back of the auditorium.

“Excuse me, but what does that mean?”

The Chief Executive Officer shielded his eyes to try and see where the speaker was. “I’m sorry? Does someone have a question?”

“Er, yes. Me.” The audience turned to where the voice was coming from. Towards the back of the auditorium a young man was standing up. He waved at the Chief Executive Officer. “I was wondering what that all meant.”

“You mean you don’t understand?” The Chief Executive Officer was incredulous. He turned to his audience. “Surely anyone worthy of their position is capable of understanding all this?” There was laughter in the audience.

“Well, I’m an intern and I only started yesterday,” replied the young man, “so I’m not sure if I’m worthy of anything yet.”

“Well, if you work hard, I’m sure you’ll have a bright future ahead of you. Now, as I was saying…”

“But you haven’t answered my question. I mean, what exactly is ‘digital doughnut theory? It sounds like complete nonsense to me.”

“Well…er…it’s quite difficult to explain,” blustered the Chief Executive Officer. “It’s very complex and essentially it’s the theory that digital…er… communications are…doughnut shaped…look, we need to get on.” Sweating, he moved back to the lectern and peered at the autocue screen - which was blank.

The Chief Executive Officer desperately tried to remember what the consultants had told him. “Radial sales curves are the future,” he blurted. “We must interflate channel plays.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” shouted someone.

“You’re talking nonsense,” yelled someone else.

“You’re a fool!” laughed a third.

With astonishing speed, the atmosphere in the auditorium changed as everyone realised that superdupernomics was all nonsense. Everyone had been so eager to show that they were up to speed with the latest terminology, they’d forgotten to consider what it all meant. And now they knew.

The Chief Executive Officer didn’t know what to do. Just a few moments before, he’d had the audience in the palm of his pudgy, soft manicured hand. Now, they were pointing and laughing at him.

He knew his face was red. He could feel his shirt sticking to his back under his bespoke Brioni suit. He slunk off the stage to the spot where the consultants had given him his final pep talk. But, as he knew they would be, they were gone.